A "Spitz Blitz" In Pennsylvania's Future?

"You have to get back to blogging, Proudly," H. Thurston Cadwalader, VII, better known as THE CAD, told me one day at his 100,000 acre retreat at Cad's Corner, Wyoming, one of the the great hospitality spots of the world for the fortunate few who receive all expenses paid invitations there.

"Nobody gets the word out like you do," THE CAD said. "Your words are so widely picked up that I am flooded with feedback wherever I go. In every s world capital, our pioneering Pennsylvania project to make Pennsylvania safe for plutocracy is widely praised.

"And I've got no shortage of ideas on how we can have a goverment of the money, by the money, and for the money," THE CAD concluded.

THE CAD's latest proposal is breathtakingly audacious. He wants to reclaim the reform mantle and the governorship with a fighting prosecutor with a proven ability to win statewide elections. And he doubts that Tom Corbett is really up for the job of reforming the cash flow in the obvious direction it ought to go.

"Only one prosecutor in America is a true plutocrat, Proudly," he said. "That's Elliott Spitzer. I know his $500,000,000 fortune is only a pale imitation of what you and I have accumulated, and what our members of our network have done. But compared to our stable of potential puppets--I mean candidates--in Pennsylvania, it's a lot. And with him financing his own campaign, that means more cars, more houses, more cruises, more women, for you and me, Proudly."

I noted the obvious fact that Spitzer was a resident of New York. Indeed, until recently, he was Governor of New York. And there's a seven year residency requirement for Governor of Pennsylvania.

THE CAD was unmoved. "A good con job at the con-con will end that controversy," he said. "We'll get an exemption for former governors of other states in the Pennsylvania constitution," he said. "And, if for some reason, we can't buy that, Spitzer can run here in 2018 if he moves here by 2011. By then his exploits with Ashley and others will be forgotten or seen as mere color enhancing the image of a great man.

I protested that he was hardly our kind of Governor of New York.

"Don't worry about that, Proudly," said THE CAD. "We'll take him under our wing and make him see the light. He's educable. He fought payraises in New York. That's the key test. A Spitz Blitz will give the politicians fits and reveal his critics to be nit wits. He can just move into the Poconos, or Philadelphia, or both, establish a base, and regain his guberatorial credentials and make our net worths even worthier."

I always get goosebumps when I hear the CAD talk. I owe him a lot. I wouldn't have some of my yachts, planes, vacation homes, companies, or directorships without him. His backing of Spitzer for Governor in 2010 or 2018 is something all of our network should get behind. We can work out the details of the fate of Gene Stilp, Russ Diamond, Tim Potts, Bill Scranton and the rest of our stable later. All we have to do is keep in mind our great unifying principle: Plutocracy United can NEVER be defeated.

THE CAD SEEKS "SORDITION TRADITION AUDITION"

In a decision that will likely have earth-skaking ramnifications for Pennsylvania's future, THE CAD--H. Thurston Cadwalader VII--has declared his deliberations on whom the world's most powerful plutocrats should be supporting for Governor of Pennsylvania in 2010 will henceforth be known as the "Sordition Tradition Audition."

This gives Democracy Rising head honcho Tim Potts a clear leg up in the battle for the big bucks that will determine who can afford to buy the governship in 2010. "We all know that political power in Pennsylvania is bought and sold," THE CAD said in a prepared statement. "But the right people have to buy political power for the right reasons. There is no better cause, and there can be no better cause, than the using of the tools of the corrupt election process to abolish the electoral process for all time. We have no need for elections. People don't need elections to buy influence. A little money here, a little money there, the next thing you know, you've got a lot of political power."

As a die-hard supporter of Gene Stilp for Governor, I had to admire the boldness of Potts' bid to set up a pilot program for sordition, using the elections for delegates to the constitutional convention in order to give sordition a a needed fooothold here. THE CAD made clear that Stilp and other guvernatorial candidates can earn his support by getting behind the Potts plan and pushing the envelope for sordition even higher. Any candidate who would push UNIVERSAAL SORDITION TRADITION and true merit selections for all governmental posts (merit being making the right payments to the right people at the right time) would be a tough competitor for plutocratiic backing.

It has been disappointing, THE CAD said, that sordition has not caught on since Potts first proposed it here. Potts himself, having raised it as a trial balloon, has been rather quiet about it lately. "But," THE CAD said, "we all know that money talks. By making it clear that sordition is the NUMBER ONE plutocratic priority we should guarantee that our fine stable of plutocratic friends will want to take it more seriously in 2010.

"Slogans that can be used to sell it include 'Stop throwing away your vote,' 'End the Problems of Democracy,' and 'Give Yourself More Free Time Every Election Day.'"

"If we don't vote on Election Days anymore, what should we call them?" I asked.

"That's easy," THE CAD said. "We'll call the primary election day 'Tim Potts Day' and the General Election Day 'Democracy Rising Day.'" They will be great tributes to the man who gave new meaning to democracy in Pennsylvania, the man who helped it rise high in the sky, well out of sight for all time."

REFORMERS COURT PLUTOCRATS BY TELLING LEGISLATORS TO KEEP OUT OF REFORM MOVEMENT

In a touching display of solidarity despite rival political ambitions, leaders of the movement to reform Pennsylvania government (ideally reform it out of existence) made clear to the Speaker's Commission on Legislative Reform that they should keep their hands off. As THE CAD told me when we were both in his suana at his vast estate near Buckingham Palace, "Those greedy legislators want our campaign contributions, and they are not going to get them."

Russ Diamond scored plutocratic points by telling the legislators that no campaign contributions should be limited, and only a constitutional convention should limit legislative terms or impose term limits. In doing so, Diamond showed a zest for protecting the reformers' turf and big bucks campaign contributions from legislative interlopers. "Diamond has all the skills and savvy to be a great Governor," THE CAD commented.

Legislative Boss Gene Stilp was scheduled to testify, but did not show up. "A great move, " said THE GUZZLER during our recent high-stakes for petty cash poker game. "He's now the boss of the whole legislature. Why should he waste his time on a single stinking committee? It's beneath his dignity."

Democracy Rising guru and sordition advocate Tim Potts didn't even allow himself to be scheduled. He just didn't show up. A really principled move from a principled man, I thought. He wants democracy to rise and rise until it rises out of sight and out of mind with unelected delegates to a constitutional convention and a gradual phase-out of elections for the random selection of the sordition system. One should not not legitimize things you want to drive out of existence, I believe.

Fellow plutocrat Bill Scranton also did not show up. "It's time to put the legislators in their place, and keep them there," said THE CAD. "Scranton ought to publicly promise that he will not meet with any legislator under any circumstance if elected Governor. If the legislators want to communicate him, they should go to Boss Stilp and have Stilp come to him. This would both fit in with Scranton's reclusive personality, unify Scranton with Stilp, and put those legislative pigs greedy for programs to help their constituents completely on the defensive."

All In All, the hearing was a great day for the legislative reform movement, enabling it to preserve it turf and its loot and its power and its long-range strategical genius. "We are going to make the Pennsylvania government live up to Grover Norquist's vision of being small enough to flush down a toilet," said the Guzzler while drinking $10,000 a bottle rare red wine. "We are winning the battle against governmental wasteful spending on the poor and the middle class," he said, before departing in his private jet for a weekend jaunt to the French Riviera.

POTTS GOES FOR THE GOLD BARS WITH BOLD PILOT PROGRAM TO PHASE-OUT DEMOCRACY

In an unprecedented move to gain big financial backing from what can be called "The Royalist Right," Democracy Rising leader Tim Potts has called for picking delegates to a Pennsylvania Constutional Convention by the method known as "sordition." Surveying his vast domains near Buckingham Palace, THE CAD said "Sordition is not sedition. It is democracy rising above the ground, above the clouds, into the stratosphere where it can best be seen with an expensive telescope on an exceptionally clear night for at least one or two minutes at a time."

"Sordition, " THE GUZZLER said, "is worth drinking to. It's worth drinking to with finest quality wines and liquors. It's worth drinking to with the finest people with the highest net worth with the most expensive plates and silverware and tablecloths. As we raise our arms to toast our dearest friend Mr. Potts, we symbolize the rising of democracy out of sight and out of mind."

Sordition means that there are no elections. No one wins a mandate to do anything. No one mobilizes anyone to do anything. The people are picked at random (WINK, WINK!). They are then paid good money, wined and dined, and instructed on how to best behave to serve the public interest, the plutoratic interest, and their own interest.

Sordition is now occasionally used in Canada for constitutional issues. It comes from ancient Greece, where plutocrats found it to be an unqualified success. Remember the story of Diogenes walking through Athens with a lantern to see if he could find an honest man? That's because our early plutocratic ancestors had done such a great job bribing those picked at random to serve their interests.

May democracy continue to rise--higher and higher and out of sight, out of mind! May Tim Potts continue to court the Royalist Right. and continually up the ante of what we plutocrats demand of our sycophantic office seekers! May the Governorship of Pennsylvania go to someone bold enough and clever enough to help make democracy in Pennsylvania rise ever faster and ever farther away from out citizens.

Do I think, as of today, that Potts is superior to Boss Stilp? No, not yet. But Potts is clearly the fast gainer on the outside track. The possibility and desirability of his Governship can no longer be denied or underestimated.

SCRANTON SEEKS TO GAIN SUPPORT OF COMMON MULTIMILLIONAIRES

We were up in the air, in THE CAD'S private plane, heading towards his palace near Buckingham Palace. I have been to Buckingham Palace, and I know that the Royal Family of England, one of the wealthiest families of the world (in part due to the heavy annual governmental subsidy they receive) lives nowhere as well as THE CAD.

Some of THE CAD's collateral ancestors fought for the Americans in the Revolutionary War. I can't tell you the depth of the patriotic feelings I have when I enter his palace stacked from floor to ceiling with gold bars on almost all the walls and a flag of the thirteen colonies flying on the front lawn. What a patriot THE CAD is. He flies his thirteen colony flag right with his flag of Gene Stilp's pink pig.

THE CAD was smoking a big fat Cuban cigar while his nails were being manicured by one of his stewardesses. Another stewardess was giving me a back rub. A third stewardess was giving THE GUZZLER a choice of the best wines in the world. When you travel with THE CAD, you go not first class, but Plutocrat Class.

"Well, Proudly," THE CAD told me after instructing a fourth stewardness that it would soon be time to begin lapdancing, "Bill Scranton has joined the board of the Commonwealth Foundation.
What do you make of that? And is this the beginning of a STOP STILP movement for 2010?"

"Scranton needs to develop a political base," I said. "This is part of a plan to connect with the common multimillionaire. It is really slumming on his part given his plutocratic status, but it's a smart political move. And you are right, he may be positioning himself to take on Boss Stilp's control of the Pennsylvania legislature in 2010."

"Wait a minute," said THE GUZZLER, bemoaning the fact that he could not drink every bottle of the most expensive wines in the world at one sitting. "Why would Scranton want to take on Boss Stilp? Does he really want to be impeached and convicted shortly after being sworn in?"

Again, it was up to me to answer. "He and Boss Stilp ought to be working together to advance the interests of the common plutocrat, so we can have a government of the plutocrats, by the plutocrats, and for the plutocrats. But sometimes ambitions conflict, and even plutocratic politicians pander to the little people, the people with annual incomes of less than a million dollars a year. I know it is outrageous and counterproductive, but the game of politics gets in people's blood, and they do desperate things to win popular support."

THE CAD was blowing smoke rings. His manicure had been completed and he asked for a shoeshine. He suggested to his attending stewardess that she might want to change into something more comfortable. He reminded us that he had made over $25 million in private transactions involving the sale of the Inquirer, and had called for a capital strike against both Stilp and Diamond when they were pursuing conflicting goals.

"That money was good pocket change, " he said. "But in 2010 it is going to be different. We are not going to let Stilp, Scranton, and Diamond let us down again, by not running for Governor. $25 million plus was fair compensation for Stilp not being lieutenant governor, but not for giving up the governorship again.

"There can be no doubt WHATSEVER. In 2010, WE PLUTOCRATS WILL OWN THE GOVERNORSHIP. We have strong influence with Ed Rendell, as his pushing Hoeffel out of the race for Stilp and his legislative--wink, wink--"reform" plan shows. But strong influence is NOT enough. WE MUST OWN THE NEXT GOVERNOR. Whether the next governor is Stilp, Diamond, Scranton, or Potts, we must own his campaign and own him."

"Potts?" I asked. "Doesn't he have a liberal backround and liberal friends?"

"Yes, " THE CAD said, "but he is winning my heart with his talk of sordition--abolishing the democratic selection of constitutional convention delegates and picking the convention delegates at random. That means they will have no mandate from the people, only a mandate from us.
Potts may be the plutocrats best friend in a state in which we have so many friends."

As a Stilp man, I was disappointed to here this, but then the lapdance on my lap began. I closed my eyes, enjoyed the continuing back rub, sipped some wine, and dozed off happily.

"BOSS STILP" GAINS CONTROL OF LEGISLATURE

Stymied by plutocratic divisions and uncertainties, Gene Stilp failed to win election as either Governor or Lieutenant Governor in 2006. But, once again, the onetime legislative staffer turned Pennsylvania political powerhouse took command.

It would be inaccurate to say that you can't get anything at all through the Pennsylvania Legislature without Gene Stilp's blessing. Some things the legislature does are so trivial that no one would dream of wasting Stilp's time on them. But the phrase "Clear it with Gene" is being heard more and more in legislative halls nowadays.

Stilp has not accepted any offer to become a high-powered lobbyist. "We can't afford the $5 million or so a year it would take to get him on our side," one major interest spokesman said nervously. "But we wish we could."

People laughed when Stilp's famous pay raise pig was plastered with a sign urging the defeat of both DeWeese and Perzel. But the humble and endearing clowning masked an unprecedented amount of naked political power. When hithertoo unconsidered Dennis O'Brien was elected Speaker, the laughter was replaced by nervous apprenhension. And the Speaker's Commission on Legislative Reform could really be called The Stilp Commission because of his key role in awakening the public and stoking the fires of discontent so that the Commission's recommendations sailed through.

What's next for Gene Stilp? Will the Philadelphia Inquirer recognize it cannot defeat the power of the plutocrats and become The Daily Stilp? Will powerful Stilp allies like THE CAD (H. Thurston Cadwalader, VII) and THE GUZZLER (Gaston U. Zaccarelli, III) be willing to set the proper example and come up the big bucks--piddling amounts, given their resources--to saturate the Pennsylvania airwaves with Stilp's greatness? Or will the Pennsylvania lobbying community realize what a treasure they have in Stilp and come up with the big bucks--an aggregate of less the $50,000,000 per year I would say--and make the Stilp the unabashed arbiter of all interests that are special to the powerful like us?

It's just too early to say how rich and how powerful Stilp will become. But a lobbyist was strongly reprimanded and threatened with firing for not warning Stilp of an item on his agenda.
The word is out that if you want to get something done in Harrisburg, you at the very least need Stilp to say neutral. If you want to be sure of victory, you need Stilp actively on your side. They don't call him "Boss Stilp" for nothing.

DESPERATE BID TO AVOID BANKRUPTCY LEADS INQUIRER TO PRAISE STILP AS PLUTOCRATS FLEX MUSCLES
In a transparent move no less important for its being so obvious, the Philadelphia Inquirer praised Gene Stilp today for his leadership role in filing the lawsuit that led the Supreme Court to declare future attempts of legislators to pass unvouchered expenses for themselves. Plutocrats across the world, under the leadership of H. Thurston Cadwalader VII, best known as THE CAD, have a continuing boycott against the Inquirer for daring not to endorse plutocratic pet Gene Stilp for Lieutenant Governor in a disgusting May 7, 2006 editorial, a day that will long live in infamy. THE CAD recently bragged about picking up "at least a cool $25 million" in a complex series of private put and call transactions involving the fate of the Inquirer.